Včeraj me je poklicala neka gospa, čigar imena nisem razumel, sem pa dojel, da kliče v imenu nekega podjetja za analizo trga. V kratko anketo sem pristal, ker sem si lahko privoščil 10 minut časa, njej pa po vsej verjetnosti prispeval k boljšemu delovnemu rezultatu. Precej na začetku spraševanja me je vprašala koliko sem star. Povedal sem ji, da 40. Nakar je dodala: ste jih že dopolnili ali jih šele boste? Ne vem točno od kje je povlekla to podvprašanje, niti ji nisem razlagal podrobnosti … ja, 40 let sem dopolnil in sicer točno na današnji dan. Rodil sem se 31. marca 1980.
Bržčas sem eden mnogih, ki smo morali svoje všečne načrte prilagoditi in malodane popolnoma spremeniti. Jaz sem moral denimo odpovedati praznovanje svojega 40. rojstnega dne. Načrtovanje dogodka me je nemalo zabavalo in bolj kot sem si predstavljal njegovo izvedbo, bolj sem se ga veselil. Zamislil sem si nedeljsko evharistijo, nato pa druženje v bližnjem gledališču. Vse to na domačem terenu: cerkev, v kateri sem zrasel in gledališče, v katerem sem vzljubil besedo. Ob dopolnjenih 40 letih življenja nisem imel niti najmanjšega dvoma, da je to ustrezen kraj in najljubši način praznovanja. Bližje kot smo bili praznovanju, rajši sem imel svoja leta. Vedno bolj sem si v zavest klical 40 puščavskih let Izraela. Celotno ljudstvo je potrebovalo točno toliko časa, preden je vstopilo v svobodno deželo. In tako sem se počutil tudi sam: kot da bi preživel obdobje čakanja ter vstopil v svobodo. S spremembo načrta praznovanja sem se preizkusil ravno v tem, koliko sem notranje svoboden: do katere mere lahko sesutje nekega načrta ukrade mojo notranjo svobodo. In kako me lahko neizbran potek dogodkov vendar razveseli.
Začenši s praznovanjem rojstnega dneva. Praktično gledano smo ga preživeli v isti zasedbi kot vse dneve doslej, odkar smo zaustavili družbo. Sobivamo trije duhovniki, ki smo si v zadnjem času delili tako rekoč vse. Ugotovil sem, da znamo biti preprosti in razkošni, tihi in glasni, v vsem pa v ljubezni. In tako je bilo na moj rojstni dan. Privoščili smo si zdaj že natanko znan vsakdan, le da je bil ta slovesen. Učinek je bil ta, da sem ponovno odkril, da je preprosto vsakodnevno sobivanje v ljubezni vse, kar človek zares potrebuje. In da si moramo to povedati z besedo in z dejanjem. In smo si: ob večernem srkanju nekega nebeško okusnega škotskega viskija. Privoščili smo si tudi prekršitev zakonskih določil ter na kosilo povabili osebo, ki ne živi v našem gospodinjstvu, pa se zato nismo počutili krive. Praznovanje življenja, ki ga imamo, je pomembnejše od skrbi, da se življenju morebiti kaj naredi.
Markus in Gregor sta na župnijski kanal platforme Youtube skrivoma povabila znance, da so se nam pridružili pri vsakodnevnem slavljenju Gospoda. Zame je bilo to nepredstavljivo presenečenje, ko sem videl kakšnih 40 računalnikov iz vseh možnih koncev Evrope, ki so bili povezani z nami. Skupno nam je bilo, da smo v središče postavili praznovanje daru življenja; pa tudi to, da poznamo Gospodovo ljubezen. In zato smo se lahko zares veselili. Ne bi pa se bili mogli, ko bi bili osrediščeni na opazovanje skrbi, da se nam lahko kaj zgodi.
Pred to veselo rojstno dnevno dogodivščino sem naredil par duhovnih korakov, ki so tlakovali to nenavadno praznovanje rojstnega dne. Eden najpomembnejših je zagotovo spoznanje, da moram stalno paziti, da ne bi živel za želje, temveč da bi želel, kar živim. Več kot imam udobja, več imam želja, in hkrati: manj sem hvaležen za sedanji trenutek. Drugi duhovni korak je poslušnost. V tradicionalnem cerkvenem jeziku so govorili o pokorščini. Le da v dani situaciji ne gre niti za Boga niti za Cerkev, pač pa za državne organe. Odločil sem se, da bom dejavno upošteval in v celoti sprejel navodila, ki sem jih dobil od oblasti (razen omenjenega gosta na včerajšnjem kosilu). Ta notranja poslušnost je v moj vsakdanjik prinesla zagon in mir. Na vsak način pa potrditev, da se poslušnost zelo pogosto splača. In končno, tretji duhovni korak. Mnogi bratje in sestre kristjani v Afriki in južni Ameriki radi in pogosto izrekajo stavek: Če Bog da. To ni nobena zguljena fraza brez tehtne vsebine, temveč zelo resna in iskrena ugotovitev. Pač ne živijo v preobilju materialnega in iz izkušnje vedo, da stvari mogoče ne bodo izvedljive, naj bodo načrti še tako všečni. Prav zdravilno je, da smo bili postavljeni v okolje in čas, ki nam ne zagotavlja nobenih resničnih načrtov in nam torej ne preostane drugega, kot da iskreno in v resnici rečemo Če Bog da. A ravno to je tako osvobodilno.
English
Turning 40
Yesterday I got a call from a lady whose name I didn’t understand, but I realized she was calling on behalf of some kind of market analysis company. I agreed to the short survey because I could afford 10 minutes and probably contributed to her better work result. Pretty much at the beginning of the questioning, she asked me how old I was. I said 40. Then she added: have you already completed them, or will you have completed them? I don’t know exactly where she got this other question from, nor did I explain the details to her… yes, I turned 40 exactly today. I was born on March 31, 1980.
I am probably one of many who had to adjust our likable plans and almost wholly change them. To give you an example, I had to cancel the celebration of my 40th birthday. The event’s planning amused me a lot, and the more I imagined its realization, the more I looked forward to it. I imagined a Sunday eucharist and then a social time at a nearby theater. This feels like home: the church where I grew up and the theater where I fell in love with the word. At the age of 40, I had no doubt that this was the right place and the favorite way to celebrate. The closer we got to the celebration, the better I felt being precisely 40. I became more and more aware of the 40 years of Israel in the desert. It took the entire people exactly this long before it entered the promised land. And so I felt myself, too: as if I had spent a time of waiting before entering into freedom. By changing my celebration plan, I tested how much I am interiorly free: to what extent some project collapse can steal my inner freedom. And how the unselected course of events can still cheer me up.
Starting with a birthday celebration. We spent with the same people as all the days so far since we locked down society. We are three priests living together and have been sharing almost everything lately. I have realized that we know how to be exquisite and straightforward, quiet and loud, but doing everything in love. And so it was also on my birthday. We indulged by now well-known everyday life, just that it was very solemn. The effect was that I rediscovered that simple daily charitable life is all a man really needs. And that we must tell ourselves this by word and by deeds. And we have: having an evening sip of a heavenly delicious Scotch whiskey. We also indulged in a violation of a legal act and invited for lunch a person who does not live in our household, but we did not feel guilty. Celebrating the life we have is more important than worrying that something might happen to it.
Markus and Gregor secretly invited acquaintances to our parish Youtube channel to join us in the daily worship of the Lord. For me, it was an unimaginable surprise when I saw some 40 computers from all possible ends of Europe connected with us. We all had in common that we placed the celebration of the gift of life at the center. As well as knowing the love of the Lord. And so we could really look forward to it. But we wouldn’t have been able to do it if we were focused on observing the worries that something might happen to us.
Before this happy birthday adventure, I took a couple of spiritual steps that paved this unusual birthday celebration. One of the most important ones is this: I need to watch out not to live for my desires but to want what I live. The more I have comforts, the more I have desires, and at the same time: I am less grateful for the present moment. The second spiritual step is obedience. In a given situation, it is neither being obedient to God nor the Church, but the state. I decided to actively follow and fully accept the instructions I received from the authorities (except for the guest, as mentioned earlier at yesterday’s lunch). This inner obedience brought momentum and peace to my daily life. In any case, it was a confirmation that obedience often pays off. And finally, the third spiritual step. Many Christian brothers and sisters in Africa and South America love and often utter God willing. This is not a clichéd phrase without weighty content, but a dire and sincere finding. They do not live in an abundance of material things, and they know from experience that things may not be feasible, no matter how pleasant the plans. I guess it is a very healing thing that we have been placed in an environment and time that does not provide us with any real projects, and therefore we have no choice but to honestly and truly say God willing. And precisely is what is so liberating.
stalno na poti 