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Natanko pred letom dni sem se vrnil iz delovnega srečanja direktorjev ESM v Salvadorju (kjer je ena izmed naših postojank), ne vedoč, da bom le za las ujel možnost proste vrnitve domov. Par dni zatem smo vstopili v nenavadni novi svet, ki je medtem dopolnil leto dni. Popolno zaprtje sem v prvem koraku doživel blagodejno: vzpostavil sem dnevno rutino, z Markusom in Gregorjem smo se družili (in včasih brusili) kot še nikoli doslej, telesno in psihično sem se umiril, skratka, na sredini maja sem bil zares vesel. Proti koncu poletja pa sem vse bolj začel ugotavljati, da bom moral zavzeti stališče. Pa ne, da bi moral pisati objave o svojem stališču glede nove družbene ureditve, ali še hujše, koga o njem prepričevati. Prišel je trenutek, da zavzamem stališče na kakšen način bom živel to, kar nisem hotel in izbral, da bi hotel, v kar sem bil potopljen. Preko nekaj začetnih poskusov, ki sem jih prepoznaval kot zgrešene, sem vse bolj odkrival stališče, ki ga želim živeti in ki v končni fazi samo še dodatno podčrta tisto, kar je v življenju v veri itak jasno. Predvsem ne gre za obvladovanje svojega življenja, ki mu dodajam nekaj duhovnih malenkosti, temveč v korenitem sprejemanju Očetove volje zame. Nočem biti samosvoj ustvarjalec svojega življenja, niti trpni izvrševalec volje nekoga drugega. Pač pa sem tvorni sodelavec v odnosu zaveze, kjer enako štejeta Božja vizija in moja udeleženost pri njeni izvedbi. To se v navadnem življenju sliši nadvse lepo, težje pa je sprejemljivo, ko sem potunkam v nekaj, kar prepoznavam kot ekstrem, kot razumem preteklo leto. Zavzel sem torej stališče: Bog Oče me v ureditvi, ki je v popolnem krču zaradi pandemije, vodi in lahko iz zla naredi nekaj dobrega. To je bila prelomnica.

Preden sem prišel do nje, sem iščoč ustrezno stališče zavil v nekaj praznih ulic. Prva, ki sem jo zlahka prepoznal in hitro odpravil, je bila prazno govorjenje. Včasih smo govorili tja v en dan in brez resničnega cilja, drugič jamrali, spet tretjič izlivali svoje nezadovoljstvo čez kdo ve koga vse … končno smo se skupno odločili, da bo najbolje, če o novem načinu življenja sploh ne govorimo. Drug zdrs je bilo evforično organiziranje vseh možnih oblik molitvenih srečanj: jutranjih, dnevnih, večernih, tekom določeno število dni, vikendov, in kar je še podobnega. Napaka seveda ni bila v molitvi, temveč v prepričanju, da je naša molitev kot parkirna ura: več kovančkov kot vstaviš, več dobiš v zameno. Konkretno v naši situaciji pa smo prehitro menili, da bomo z nekaj molitvami rešili svetovno situacijo in masovno reakcijo državnih voditeljev. Težava je bila seveda v tem, da sem se praviloma osredotočal nase in ne na zaresno poslušanje Boga. Poleg tega pa sem opazil, da lahko takšen pristop še kako utrudi, česar si nisem želel. Tretje področje, ki sem ga takoj v korenini ocenil kot nevarnega, so bile zarotniške teorije. Po moji oceni so se gibale vse od ene skrajnosti do druge: enkrat je bila zarotniška celotna politika, drugič svetovna elita, tretjič farmacija. Ko bi se bil spustil po tej poti, ji ne bi prišel do konca, zato sem jo preprosto odmislil. Gotovo so bile še druge, a kaj bi našteval naprej. Tudi če bi našteval, bi bil sklep enak: vse se mi je zdelo samo osredotočanje na nebistveno in torej vnaprejšnja napaka.

Od konca poletja dalje sem se vse bolj osredotočal v tisto, kar sem začel prepoznavati kot bistveno: mirno živeti vsakdanjik, kot mi je podarjen, ter v njem razbirati Očetovo voljo. Dojel sem, da je ta vaja pravzaprav vsakič enaka; v normalnem času lahko postane oddaljena in nezavestna, v izrednem času ustavitve družbe pa pridobi na ostrini. Kako je namreč možno sredi vsiljenih okoliščin reči, da izvršujem Očetovo voljo? Izredna situacija zaprtja družba nas zlahka zamoti do te mere, da se ukvarjamo samo še z njo, ne pa s temeljnim vprašanjem: kdo je moj vir? Lahko, da bomo sredi epidemije razkrili vse vélika ozadja, vsa potrebna zdravila, postavili najboljši možni sistem (in vse našteto je povsem legitimno), a življenja vendar ne bomo imeli v svojih rokah.

Kot rečeno, prišel je čas, da zavzamem stališče. Pred Bogom sem rekel, da bom pač poskusil delovati skladno s tem, kar mi je naložil, nenavadni situaciji navkljub. Da bom začel delati majhne korake, četudi sem se znašel sredi nečesa, kar nisem izbral. Stalno sem se namreč vračal k besedam: on je vendar večji od virusa. Ključni del mojega misijona je srečevanje in spremljanje ljudi, ki delujejo na naših postojankah na vseh kontinentih sveta, kjer se zna javiti težava: za to so potrebne številne poti. Zdelo se je nepojmljivo, da bi od septembra dalje potoval znotraj in izven Evrope, a poskušal sem ohraniti Mojzesovo držo: v poslušnosti nadaljevati začrtano pot. In sem šel, od enega obiska do drugega, od enega testiranja do drugega. Vsakič je šlo kot po maslu, vsakič sem bil negativen. Ob tem niti za trenutek nisem želel, da bi moj Bog postal nekakšen dežurni serviser za vse najmanjše težave. Kot da je vloga vere v tem, da odpravi vsako nevšečnost!? Pač pa sem doživel sledeče. Dejstvo, da sem sredi okoliščin, v katerih je bilo potovanju uradno gledano tako rekoč nemogoče, vendar lahko opravil tako rekoč vse začrtane poti, prejel zelo pomembno spoznanje. Svoje poslanstvo sicer opravljam in vanj sistematično vnašam samega sebe, a je poslanstvo vendar Gospodovo. Predvsem pa je njegov sad, pri čemer mu ne morem kaj dosti dodati.

Nauk zgodbe je seveda dokaj preprost. V kolikor izgubljam čas z okoliščinami, mi bodo te napolnjevale moje življenje. V kolikor pa svoje srce osredotočim na Gospoda, on vodi moj korak in sicer do te mere, da lahko izpred oči umakne vsako prepreko. “Kajti nad menoj je bila dobrotljiva roka mojega Boga” (Neh 2,8 ).

English

A year later

I returned from a working meeting of ESM directors in Salvador precisely a year ago. I had no idea I would catch the last opportunity to return home freely. A couple of days later, we entered into an unusual new world, which in the meantime turned one year old. My first reaction to a complete closure was very positive: I established a daily routine, we hung out with Marcus and Gregor more than ever (and sometimes honed our community), I calmed down physically and mentally. In short, in mid-May, I was thrilled. Towards the end of the summer, however, I began to realize more and more that I would have to take a stand. I’m not talking about writing posts about my position on the new social order, or even worse, to convince whoever about it. The time has come for me to take a stand: how to live what I didn’t want and choose to want in what I was immersed. Through a few initial attempts, which I recognized as misguided, I increasingly discovered the position I wanted to live, which ultimately only underscored what has been evident in the life of faith since forever. The life of faith is not about mastering my life, to which I would add a few spiritual trifles, but rather about radically accepting the Father’s will for me. I don’t want to be an independent creator of my own life nor a passive executor of someone else’s will. Instead, I am an active collaborator in a covenant relationship where God’s vision and my participation count equally. It sounds adorable in ordinary life, but it’s harder to accept when immersed in something I recognize as extreme. So I took a stand: God the Father guides me in a situation that is incomplete spasm due to a pandemic. He can even make something good out of evil. That was a turning point.

Before I reached this stand, I turned into a few dead ends, searching for a suitable position. I easily recognized the first one and quickly eliminated it; it was empty talks. Sometimes we chattered without a goal, other times we were moaning about … well, whatever, again the third time we poured out our dissatisfaction over who knows whom. We finally decided that it would be best if we didn’t talk about the new way of life. Another slip was to euphorically organize all possible prayer meetings: morning, daily, evening, over a certain number of days, weekends, and the like. The mistake, of course, was not the prayer but the belief that our prayer is like a parking clock: the more coins you insert, the more you get in return. Specifically, in our situation, we thought too quickly that a few prayers would solve the world situation and state leaders’ mass reaction. The problem, of course, was that I tended to focus on myself rather than listening to God. Besides, I noticed that such an approach could be tiring, which I did not want. The third area that I immediately assessed as dangerous at the root was conspiracy theories. In my estimation, they ranged from one extreme to the other: once the whole of politics was conspiratorial, secondly it was the world elites, thirdly the pharmacy. When I had descended this path, I would not have reached the end of it, so I dismissed this thought. There were indeed others, but it is in vain to list them all. Even if I did it, the conclusion would be the same: it all seemed to me just a focus on the insignificant and, therefore, an error.

From the end of the summer onwards, I became more focused on what I began to recognize as essential. To live the daily life peacefully as it comes and to discern in it the will of the Father. I realized that this exercise is the same every time; it can become distant and unconscious in regular times, but it gains sharpness in extraordinary times of stopping society. How can I live the will of the Father even amid imposed circumstances? The closure of society easily distracts us to such an extent that we only think about it and not with the fundamental question: who is my source? We may get to know all the great backgrounds of the great epidemic, find all the necessary medicines, set up the best possible system (and all of the above is legitimate), and yet. We will not control our own life.

That being said, the time has come for me to take a stand. I told the Lord I would try to act according to what he had asked me to do, despite the unusual situation. I would start doing small steps even if I found myself in the middle of something I hadn’t chosen. I kept coming back to the words: he is bigger than the virus. The crucial part of my mission is meeting and accompanying the people on five continents. There might arise a problem: many trips are needed for this. It seemed inconceivable that I would travel inside and outside Europe from September onwards, but I tried to maintain Moses’ attitude: to continue the outlined path in obedience. So I went, from one visit to another, from one test to another. All my trips ran like clockwork, and I was constantly negative. At the same time, not for a moment did I want my God to become a kind of on-duty serviceman for all the slightest problems. As if the role of faith was to eliminate all sorts of inconveniences!? This is what I experienced. In circumstances in which the trip was officially impossible to make, I was able to complete virtually all the planned visits. I understood an important thing. I carry out my mission and systematically give myself into it, but ultimately it is the mission of the Lord. Above all, the fruit is His, and I can’t add much to it.

The lesson, which derives from the past year, is relatively simple. If I waste time with circumstances, they will fill my life. However, if I focus on the Lord, he leads my step to the extent that he can remove any obstacle from my sight. “For the merciful hand of my God was upon me” (Neh 2: 8).

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